Episode One.
He’d been in some tight spots before but this was surely the tightest spot ever. He looked around; everything was upside down, except it was him that was upside down. This time it looked as if it really was the end of the line for The Silver Torpedo.
He’d been lured to the warehouse by the Cockney Geezers, the fearsome twins dedicated to the cause of Chavdom and pledged to destroy their Nemesis, The Silver Torpedo. This time it looked as if they were about to succeed.
“There ain’t no Barbary for yer this time Silvo me ol’ china,” chuckled Cockney Ventriloquist.
“Yeah, gotcha this time,” echoed his faithful dummy Chas.
“Wotcha gonna do now Silvo?” Laughed Cockney Magician while plucking two ping pong balls in rapid succession, apparently from thin air.
“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” Said The Silver Torpedo.
“Remove the tape Chas, let’s see wot The Silver Torpedo has to say for ‘imself.”
Helped by his handler, Chas ripped the strip of duct tape from The Silver Torpedo’s mouth. It hurt a little bit but The Silver Torpedo bravely masked the pain.
“You’re not going to get away with this,” he said defiantly but he didn’t feel as confident as he sounded. How could he? He was suspended upside down from the ceiling by a chain attached to manacles on his feet, his hands were tied behind his back by plastic cable ties and there was no window and only one door out of the small office he was presently sharing with the Cockney Geezers and Chas.
“I fink we’ve already got away wiv it don’t you CV?” said Cockney Magician to his twin brother as he made a red, silk handkerchief disappear in the palm of his hand.
“I fink yer Isle CM,” answered Cockney Ventriloquist.
“I need a Jimmy,” said Chas.
“Yer went before we got here,” the ventriloquist pointed out to the dummy. “Anyway, dummies don’t need to take a gypsy’s.
“’Ere, who are you callin’ a dummy yer merchant?” retorted Chas.
“Oi! Leave it out you two!” Bellowed Magician. “I can’t ‘ere meself fink!”
Turning to The Silver Torpedo he held out a pack of cards.
“Choose a card Silvo; any card,” he said.
“How can I do that with my hands tied?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. Ok, I’ll choose for ya,” said Magician. “There, take a look, remember it, I can’t see it.”
“Stop playing games Cockney Magician; if you’re going to do something just get it over with quickly.”
Magician just grinned, placed the card in the pack and performed a showman’s shuffle. Then, tapping the back of the pack with his fingertips, he held it forward level with the The Silver Torpedo’s upside down face. A card slowly rose out of the pack.
“Is this your card Sir?” Said Magician with a twisted grin on his face.
“As you know very well,” answered Torpedo.
He watched as the king of clubs moved up, then, running out of pack, popped out and fell to the floor.
“Well well, king of clubs, rub-a-dub-dub. Fancy a drink bruv.”
“Sure fing, let’s get down the nuclear and make mine a Vera and Phil.”
“An’ I’ll ‘ave a ooh aah,” piped in Chas.
“Don’t be such a Ravi, Chas. Yer can’t drink, yer ain’t got no froat,” Ventiloquist rather unkindly pointed out.
“Come on, yer know I usually have a gottla gear,” protested Chas.
“No, yer Roland, that’s only somefink that people fink ventriloquists say. It’s a joke see.”
“Look, if you’re going to kill me, just get it over with,” said Torpedo affecting a tone of boredom.
“Oh, brave words Silvo,” said Magician pulling a red, silk handkerchief from the closed fist of his left hand. “But a quick def you ain’t gonna get. See this?”
He rolled the handkerchief into a ball and placed it between the palms of both hands. When he opened them again he was holding an ipod.
“I know ‘ow you did that,” shouted Chas. “You…”
“Shut yer norf Chas,” interrupted Ventriloquist.
Chas perched open mouthed in the crook of his handlers elbow. He rolled his glassy eyes and decided to do as he was told.
“On this ‘ere device, Silvo, is every one ‘it wonder in the history of pop music,” Magician continued. “Yer can’t believe ‘ow many there are.”
He placed the device on the desk and wired it into a pair of speakers. Then he plugged in a mains adaptor. Next he moved a large water container with a plastic drinking tube directly below Torpedo’s head.
“We don’t want yer to die of thirst, that’s much too quick. Mind ya, yer gonna wish yer were dead after a few hours of this.”
“You don’t mean…my God…not…?”
“’Fraid so Silvo,” Magician continued. “Birdy Song, Agadoo, Chirpy Cheep Cheep. “Oh yeah, they’re all there, random selection as well, you’ll never know what’s coming next.”
He began to laugh. Soon, Magician and Ventiloquist were laughing loudly while Chas’s mouth moved wildly up and down like a monkey on a stick.
“My God, I never realized you were capable of such…such evil,” gasped The Silver Torpedo.
“Well, we ‘ave t’ be doin’ a Frank now. Oh, by the way, this room is sound-proofed and we’ll be weldin’ the door shut and, as yer can see, there’s no way out,” laughed Magician. “So enjoy the music.”
They went out giving The Silver Torpedo a final twirl sending him spinning like an upside down ballet dancer on speed. The door slammed shut and Torpedo could just about hear the faint crackle of of an arc welder for several minutes and then silence. Suddenly, the ipod bleeped and the unmistakable intro to Achy, Breaky Heart filled the small room.
By Zoof, this is only the first; Torpedo didn’t think he would be able to stand this torture for long. My God, there’s still the Birdy Song, he thought.
As a distraction he tried to think about how he’d managed to get into this predicament in the first place and his mind drifted back to the beginning…
He’d been in some tight spots before but this was surely the tightest spot ever. He looked around; everything was upside down, except it was him that was upside down. This time it looked as if it really was the end of the line for The Silver Torpedo.
He’d been lured to the warehouse by the Cockney Geezers, the fearsome twins dedicated to the cause of Chavdom and pledged to destroy their Nemesis, The Silver Torpedo. This time it looked as if they were about to succeed.
“There ain’t no Barbary for yer this time Silvo me ol’ china,” chuckled Cockney Ventriloquist.
“Yeah, gotcha this time,” echoed his faithful dummy Chas.
“Wotcha gonna do now Silvo?” Laughed Cockney Magician while plucking two ping pong balls in rapid succession, apparently from thin air.
“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” Said The Silver Torpedo.
“Remove the tape Chas, let’s see wot The Silver Torpedo has to say for ‘imself.”
Helped by his handler, Chas ripped the strip of duct tape from The Silver Torpedo’s mouth. It hurt a little bit but The Silver Torpedo bravely masked the pain.
“You’re not going to get away with this,” he said defiantly but he didn’t feel as confident as he sounded. How could he? He was suspended upside down from the ceiling by a chain attached to manacles on his feet, his hands were tied behind his back by plastic cable ties and there was no window and only one door out of the small office he was presently sharing with the Cockney Geezers and Chas.
“I fink we’ve already got away wiv it don’t you CV?” said Cockney Magician to his twin brother as he made a red, silk handkerchief disappear in the palm of his hand.
“I fink yer Isle CM,” answered Cockney Ventriloquist.
“I need a Jimmy,” said Chas.
“Yer went before we got here,” the ventriloquist pointed out to the dummy. “Anyway, dummies don’t need to take a gypsy’s.
“’Ere, who are you callin’ a dummy yer merchant?” retorted Chas.
“Oi! Leave it out you two!” Bellowed Magician. “I can’t ‘ere meself fink!”
Turning to The Silver Torpedo he held out a pack of cards.
“Choose a card Silvo; any card,” he said.
“How can I do that with my hands tied?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. Ok, I’ll choose for ya,” said Magician. “There, take a look, remember it, I can’t see it.”
“Stop playing games Cockney Magician; if you’re going to do something just get it over with quickly.”
Magician just grinned, placed the card in the pack and performed a showman’s shuffle. Then, tapping the back of the pack with his fingertips, he held it forward level with the The Silver Torpedo’s upside down face. A card slowly rose out of the pack.
“Is this your card Sir?” Said Magician with a twisted grin on his face.
“As you know very well,” answered Torpedo.
He watched as the king of clubs moved up, then, running out of pack, popped out and fell to the floor.
“Well well, king of clubs, rub-a-dub-dub. Fancy a drink bruv.”
“Sure fing, let’s get down the nuclear and make mine a Vera and Phil.”
“An’ I’ll ‘ave a ooh aah,” piped in Chas.
“Don’t be such a Ravi, Chas. Yer can’t drink, yer ain’t got no froat,” Ventiloquist rather unkindly pointed out.
“Come on, yer know I usually have a gottla gear,” protested Chas.
“No, yer Roland, that’s only somefink that people fink ventriloquists say. It’s a joke see.”
“Look, if you’re going to kill me, just get it over with,” said Torpedo affecting a tone of boredom.
“Oh, brave words Silvo,” said Magician pulling a red, silk handkerchief from the closed fist of his left hand. “But a quick def you ain’t gonna get. See this?”
He rolled the handkerchief into a ball and placed it between the palms of both hands. When he opened them again he was holding an ipod.
“I know ‘ow you did that,” shouted Chas. “You…”
“Shut yer norf Chas,” interrupted Ventriloquist.
Chas perched open mouthed in the crook of his handlers elbow. He rolled his glassy eyes and decided to do as he was told.
“On this ‘ere device, Silvo, is every one ‘it wonder in the history of pop music,” Magician continued. “Yer can’t believe ‘ow many there are.”
He placed the device on the desk and wired it into a pair of speakers. Then he plugged in a mains adaptor. Next he moved a large water container with a plastic drinking tube directly below Torpedo’s head.
“We don’t want yer to die of thirst, that’s much too quick. Mind ya, yer gonna wish yer were dead after a few hours of this.”
“You don’t mean…my God…not…?”
“’Fraid so Silvo,” Magician continued. “Birdy Song, Agadoo, Chirpy Cheep Cheep. “Oh yeah, they’re all there, random selection as well, you’ll never know what’s coming next.”
He began to laugh. Soon, Magician and Ventiloquist were laughing loudly while Chas’s mouth moved wildly up and down like a monkey on a stick.
“My God, I never realized you were capable of such…such evil,” gasped The Silver Torpedo.
“Well, we ‘ave t’ be doin’ a Frank now. Oh, by the way, this room is sound-proofed and we’ll be weldin’ the door shut and, as yer can see, there’s no way out,” laughed Magician. “So enjoy the music.”
They went out giving The Silver Torpedo a final twirl sending him spinning like an upside down ballet dancer on speed. The door slammed shut and Torpedo could just about hear the faint crackle of of an arc welder for several minutes and then silence. Suddenly, the ipod bleeped and the unmistakable intro to Achy, Breaky Heart filled the small room.
By Zoof, this is only the first; Torpedo didn’t think he would be able to stand this torture for long. My God, there’s still the Birdy Song, he thought.
As a distraction he tried to think about how he’d managed to get into this predicament in the first place and his mind drifted back to the beginning…
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